There isn’t a whole lot happening now. Mostly just the stadium and work at CKS. Chris and I are going on our annual road trip this weekend, spending two nights in a tent in Miki’s back yard and a night in a hotel in Cinnci. However my purpose for writing is not this (or that) but rather, something else.
I’m going to try to sort out some bit of my private romantic life, or lack thereof. Since I cannot be honest with anyone else about it, I’m not used to being honest about it, but I will try to be honest with myself now.
The thing is, I really want to be with someone. I’m really lonely at the moment. I wonder if there really is someone for me. And if so, where she’s hiding. I don’t think I know her now. I’m quite sure we haven’t met, but lets go over some of the possibilities.
Char – No way. Sure we still have sex (as recently as last night) but its just that, sex. It really gets in the way of things. I want to make love with someone I really care about and who I want to live with, have kids with, all that fun stuff. Love. The word is difficult to define. Maybe there is no such thing. I want to feel love, I know I never will again with Char at least. Who knows if we ever were in love?
Heather – I don’t know why I list here second. Perhaps love is brewing for us, but perhaps not. I’ve known her for a year and our lips have never touched. Maybe thats good. Maybe we’ll fall in love next year. The one thing about Heather, and I believe the reason I listed her second is because she is the one girl who has the most potential. While not the most physically attractive girl, she makes up for it in bus-loads in other departments. I think that right now, the one word for Heather is maybe. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe some day. Maybe. Maybe not. But maybe. The problem is, I don’t think love is a maybe, but perhaps. I’m just being a romantic. Love is a growing thing right? so maybe.
Wendy – I don’t know. I’ve been in love, or at least I’ve had a deep longing for Wendy for ages. I’ve know her for, God, seven years? She’s another one I’ve barely touched. Although I’m quite sure she doesn’t know it, she broke my heart when she told me she was sleeping with some guy. I suppose her cue word could be maybe too, but I think I don’t know would be much more accurate with Wendy, I just don’t know. I do care about her loads, but I think seven years is enough time for a smoldering love to ignite. She’s the high queen of snuffing love then. I’ve tried with her, but, I don’t know. Basically what it comes down to is I don’t know!
Rhea – They only other girl I’ve slept with. Lets go through, briefly, the problems with Rhea. For one, she’s not my type. I know that sounds asinine, but I just can’t fall for the country bumpkin. There’s not even a spark for Rhea. She suffers from the malady which I have coined “The Char Syndrome” which means she basically fell for me in a big, big way. Much too big in fact. When someone tells you the only reason that they are staying in school is you, you’ve got a prime candidate of Charsyndrome. While I thought I was better than to use these terms, I know she was quite the transition woman. We had (like Char and I have now) absolutely no commitment to each other. Hell, I treater he like shit, (this is another symptom of charsyndrome) and she took all of it. What kind of girl would do that?
I can’t think of any other who deserve their own paragraph. Sarah – lusting. Sherry – One night, with what I thought may have been potential. BMW – desire for the ultimate Kenwoman. Who else? Lots of girls I lusted after in school, too many to recall, half of whom whose name I have forgotten. Darn.
What do I know about love? My parents should be the ideal role model, but they’re from a totally different world. They were married when they were my age. I thought Keith and Nancy were a good role model but they were just half a hair away from getting a divorce. I have no role model for love, but I do not consider this to be a particularly bad thing. I don’t have any role models in any other areas, so why should I have one in that area? I consider myself unique, which could very well be a major contributor to the problem. The only girls who have really shown an interest in me suffer from charsyndrome. Maybe charsyndrome is love, but its all been one-sided so far, and never on my side. I think I would be much happiers with a significant other. I’m ready fir commitment and responsibility and all that. Dammit where is she? I try to consider what the ultimate kenwoman would be like, yet I cannot, which must be good right? I’m open at least. The girls at school are all so typical. Like I told Keith, college is exactly like High School but different. I wish my life was a book, because something would have to happen. If my current like was a book, you could sell it as a tranquilizer. I want to fall head over heels for a girl, for the first time. Maybe I am too much of a romantic. Perhaps these things never really happen. The only place you hear about it is movies and books and fiction. Fiction! Maybe I’ll write a book about it, but it wouldn’t be the first. If I could just get my burning desire for love on paper I know it would be a best seller. Well, I can’t go on anymore. I guess I’ll just leave the door open for now. I could really be setting myself up for some hurt but, “I wanna be hurt!” Maybe Lloyd could be my role model. The cryogenic bachelor is melting inside and waiting for rebirth. Its just a question of where? and when? and who? who?