This is the wedding speech I stumbled my way through recently.

June 8, 2024

I am supposed to talk about Jim Kups and what a great guy he is and all that, but..

Since I have the microphone. I’ve decided that instead, I’m going to talk about…

My Lawnmower.

Now, I’ll be the first to admit and Rhea will tell you that I’m pretty shit as a home repair guy.

RHEA: He is shit as a home repair guy

Yeah, definitely useless. If it is not a computer I don’t know what the hell I am doing.

However, I do take good care of our vehicles, and I do like a good lawn mow.

The problem is, every third spring, when I would go to mow the lawn the dang lawn mower would not start, so… what do you do?

RHEA: Buy a new  lawnmower

Yeah, that was my trend for… heh, a pretty long time. Sears loved me. Here comes Ken, looking for a new craftsman lawn mower.

This wasn’t the most fiscally responsible lawn care program but what did I know…?

Finally, a few lawn mowers ago I mentioned my lawn maintenance plan to Jim Kups.

And he was aghast. I think he said some proper foul words to me but in the end he said: “Kenny, just bring it over.”

And I did.

Now he will tell you that I had removed the muffler and other parts, that I didn’t put “dry gas” in it over the winter and had done a bunch of other things wrong.

I still don’t think dry gas is a real thing by the way.

But in the end with no judgement… OK, there was a little judgement… When he fixed my chainsaw, as he handed it back to me she said “No Evans should ever use a chainsaw,” but he had been working with my brother a lot so I think he was referring to him.

Anyway, I got the lawnmower back and have been happily mowing with it ever since.

Well, until this year, when it didn’t start again, so what did I do?

K and D Small engine repair ladies and gentlemen. We have cards up here tonight! Don’t go anywhere else for your small engine repairs!!

And the lawnmower is running great again, I’ve had it for almost a decade now. I kinda miss getting the new models but Jimmy keeps fixing the one I have up!

But that’s Jim Kups.

We had a biblical disaster hit our house one July fourth after we spent a lovely evening hanging out with Jim and Denise and their crazy neighbors.

And he was the first one over once the flood waters had receded. And he stayed and almost to a man rebuilt my basement completely by himself, because he knows how worthless I am doing anything useful like that.

He would shake his head when I came down to pretend to offer to help and just say “you can take that garbage out” or something like that. Much to my appreciation.

That’s Jim Kups.

I don’t have a lot of people close to me, I know that will come as a shock to you. I shed them like my three year old lawn mowers but two of them are up here tonight.

RHEA: KEN!

THREE of them are up here tonight, Rhea is OK too.

So let’s take a second here and raise our glasses and “Salute!” to the new young couple.

May your new marriage be full of the love that I found in my old marriage.

 

I have another speech written about Denise. I’ve known her a long time too, but that one stays in my pocket unless the evening gets really interesting!! Salute!

 

 

///UNUSED IDEAS / DRAFTS ///

 

 

I had so much material for this speech I had to edit it all down to a five minute version.

And I was pretty sure I knew all of his stories… but then I threw a bachelor party for him

We have drank together in the past, but on this night it was my job to take care of the young man, drive him wherever he wanted to go and make sure it all occurred safely.

Which I did, but it was the rare occasion that Jimmy got drunk and I did not and I could remember a lot of stories.

A lot of stories.

A lot of stories I’m not going to share here.

*PAUSE AND SHAKE HEAD AT JIM*

I mean I’m not sure Jimmy Kups isnt legally allowed back in the state of Nevada.

Let me say that we are two vastly different individuals. I, of course, am the more outspoken, physically imposing specimen.

Truth be told, and I’m going to drop a major insight here, everyone pay attention… Jim likes to talk.

But that works for me because, except for the rare occasion like tonight, I am a listener.

He has given me great advice in the past, my favorite bit was “Don’t ever let an Evans use a chainsaw.”

“Actually”

One thing I love about Jim is that he always has a story. He has been to every dive bar and every hotel in every city in the country, and according to him, most of them across the world. I can’t say something like, “I had a business trip to Austin,” without Jim saying did you stay here or go there?

He will then proceed to tell you the best ribs in Austin, the worst hotel in San Antonio, and the longest night he ever spent in a bar in Texas.

But my favorite stories are his local ones.

Tells stories like you know everyone in the story.

Dry gas

Lawn mower maintenance