Well my Gradual school depression is continuing. The more I think about it the more I want to be done with school and be home in Cleveland working or possibly in DC. Right now I don’t even care what kind of work it is just so long as I can support myself and not have any homework. This journal is becoming like homework to me. I feel like I have to write in it.
Last weekend I went home for Easter. I saw Wendy on Friday night. She looked good and is as wild as ever. I am going to Dayton and Kentucky this weekend because it is Rhea’s birthday. I honestly don’t want to go but I know I have to. My gradual school depression is slowly creeping into my social life. Ha. Like I have one. I am going to call Emily tomorrow and ask her if she wants to go out on Thursday to see Big Red Truck at the Union, which is her bar anyway. Right now I just think, Fuck it, I am here and I want to have fun here and when I fall asleep I think about falling asleep with her, my Tori Amos. God they look so much alike. I am not ready to dump Rhea but of course now that I am in a relationship I am ready to date someone else. There is some bizarre security with a relationship that makes me feel like since I can date someone I should be able to date anyone. In this case Emily. God I have been drinking a lot lately. Every night I drink around six beers. I can only hope that I will get a nice government job that requires a Spring training or boot camp type thing to get me in shape. Not that I can ever be in shape.
I dread this weekend. We have to go to Kentucky to see the whole damn clan and I haven’t even gotten her anything for her birthday. I have no idea what to get her and no desire to put any effort into trying to find something for her. I guess I need to go back and read that one entry where if I was feeling this way I shouldn’t but fuck it. I am not happy. I do not know why I got back together with her except that she manipulated some circumstances to make me get make together with her. I don’t know if that is true but it sure feels like it. Now I can’t even just drift away anymore like I tried to the last time. Now we are going out and I know that we are going to have some evil nasty conversation this weekend where she brings up everything that I do not want to talk about. Ack. More beer.
I have become Joe six pack. Six a night has become routine for me, I’ll drink 8 on a heavy night and four on a light night. This will make my sixth here. Am I an alcoholic?? I can’t remember the last night I fell asleep without any alcohol in my system. I spend a lot of money on alcohol. and I smoke. Christ I am a basket case. Why the fuck do I get like this?? Maybe I am like Kevin and I can’t grow up but I think his exile is not self imposed. He had a fiance and I think Neil might of had one as well, so possibly all of my brothers have been engaged except for me. God what if Rhea is expecting an engagement ring from me?? I’m not sure I am going to get her anything at all and I know she is thinking ring since I talked to Paul about the ring he got for Shannon. I know that has gotten back to her.
What am I going to do this summer?? I cannot go and work in Dayton. NO Fucking Way am I going back there to work. So I can maybe work here but then I’ll have to take a class and there is nothing I really want or need to take, unless I want to go and get my Ph.D. and then I should take psycho German to get a third language. But lets be honest. God sometimes you just don’t come through. I am rambling tonight aren’t I?? I don’t know what has gotten into me especially since I have class in seven hours and I have to go since I didn’t yesterday. I have to piss like a racehorse but I don’t want to miss this song. Why you always go when the wind blows.
Okay while I was taking a piss I decided to do some serious, never before on paper (paper??) self examination. I have got the candles burning and I might press on to making a record breaking journal entry in length. Oh boy…..here goes…
I need a smoke…
Okay, I know I don’t have the academic caliber to stand up with people like CT so I know I can’t or won’t get my Ph.D. Right now I am playing out my undergraduate dreams at a real school only they call it graduate school. So much the better. The resume looks much better with an MA so I’ll take that. I know I will finish this program because for some reason I have a staying power in things like that. Not when it comes to relationships, I have no staying power at all. So do I even apply to Ph.D. programs?? I think I won’t and say that I did but we’ll have to wait and see on that one.
So I can admit to myself that as much as I like to play at being an academic I am not really one at all so then I should find a job that I will be happy with, one that will fulfill all of my imaginatory obligations. That is not likely is it?
Look at Neil. That could very well be me in a sort period of time so I would be a fool not to try to get into a Ph.D. program right?? I mean if I can get a ride somewhere then I should take it if I don’t get a job. a job. So what the hell am I qualified to do?? I honestly think my MA will look good no matter what the hell I try to apply to. Yes its a theoretical degree, a door prize if you will (thank you John) but it will look good. I need to spice up my current job on my resume but that’s not much of problem. So I start applying for jobs and go to the network. Dad, Keith and Kevin…I need to get them on the phone as much as I am writing letters and shipping out resumes. I can’t handle much more school. I have learned almost enough. I know I can do the next year of school but after that I think I am a dead man. Burned out if you will. God I need to go to sleep or I’ll become Joe Eight pack before the night is over……Enough.
1 Comment »
i remember looking into all the intelligence angencies at this time. later i would apply for the fbi and take the test but i must not have done very well on it because i got the “thanks but no thanks” response letter.
the summer of 1994 i ended up working at voss industries in cleveland (chris’ mom works there and set me up) doing welding and other jobs which involve the bending of metals. it was very blue collar. i still have a trunion (kind of a screw like thing) that i made there hanging from the rear view mirror in my car as a reminded of what i could have ended up doing. the foreman at voss told me i should go back to school and get my masters, but if i wasn’t going to i could work full time at voss and get a couple more bucks an hour. now that’s a scary thought.
my brother neil is pilot and after he finished college there were no piloting jobs with the major airlines and he ended up teaching flying for a number of years before he finally got on with continental. i think that is what i’m referencing toward the end of this entry.
Comment by vim — Wednesday, May 10, 2006 @ 12:27 pm